Happy Birthday Mom!

To be honest I was a little scared to write this blog entry. This year has been an extremely difficult one to say the least and every time I tried to focus and become positive another blow would occur and I would fall again. I feel like if I mention trying to become positive I will jinx it and something else negative will come out of the woodwork. Silly I know but it`s not easy when life throws you curveballs and you keep missing the ball.

When you truly love someone death is one of the hardest emotional roller coasters you will ever be on, it plays on your mind constantly. Even when you think you are dealing with it the emotions come in waves and eat up your energy.

My mother was my ``go to person``, my confidant, my best friend and in the last 5 years my whole life revolved around her. Change is hard and starting over without her has been a challenge and not one that I have embraced. I feel if I do, I will be letting her go. Strange as that may seem, hanging onto the pain keeps her here with me.  Knowing my mother she would devastated with that mind set. She would want me to move forward, change, be strong and happy. She would say, ``you can`t live in the past, the present is all that matters``. After 5 months I understand now that that the pain will never fully go away and I am coming to terms with it but it still tears me up thinking of her. It is true that you can never fully understand it until you have lived it and I know I will never be the same person without her.

As it is the first time she won`t be here and I won`t be able to celebrate with her, I hope she knows how much she meant to me and how much I miss her. I hope I did enough when she was here for her to be proud. Happy Birthday Mom, I hope you are in a much better place, you are laughing, smiling and you are enjoying your time there. This is not good-bye only a graceful way to say that I will see you again one day. Love you always!

Life does continue and for me new projects are inevitable. I`m not sure what direction I will take but in the meantime I am enjoying playing with my camera with places I visit as well as my new hobby, jewellery making. For now that is enough for me. 

With everything that has happened, my mom and all the other misfortunes I am extremely grateful to learn that I am surrounded by great friends and family. Thanks to everyone that held my hand through the turmoil and I promise should the tables turn, I will be right there by your side. I hope everyone has a great summer!